Fit to be Fried

In my post two days past, "Dead will rise…" , I predicted that “Undertaker” Mark Callaway would be returning to the WWE in time for SummerSlam, next month’s pay-per-view event. Tonight at the end of Smackdown, Edge met up with GM Vicki Guerrrero in the ring to apologize for cheating on her, spearing her at the Great American Bash, and teling the whole world about her granny-panties. Or, to make a long story short (too late!), for being a complete douchebag. Guerrero decided to stand by her man, but made it clear that she was still angry with the “Rated R Superstar”, and that, to retaliate against him for his various crimes, she would be re-instating none other than the Dead Man, and that he would be her hubby’s opponent at SummerSlam.

I fucking told you so.

There’s been much speculation in wrestling fandom as to whether or not we’d ever see Mark Callaway, aka the Undertaker, step into the ring to wrestle again, and why he left to begin with. His dubious loss to Edge a couple of months ago in a “Loser Leaves” match definitely left a lot of us scratching our heads, to be sure. In a previous post, ("Undertaker ends 24 year career in loss to… Edge????!!!") I railed about the match, and how it didn’t seem right that such a legendary WWE Superstar would go out like that. It stuck in my craw so badly that I decided to do a little research and craft this follow-up to my obituary on the Undertaker’s career. It seems now that obit may have been premature (I know, I know, and given the Callaway’s in-ring persona, this should surprise absolutely no one.

To be honest, I was pretty much disgusted by the current state of the WWE, not because it had been rocked by scandal and tragedy¹, but it had just become boring to me. I tend to go through phases like that with all my interests, so I knew eventually I’d be back. This being the case, I really didn’t put much effort into uncovering ‘Taker’s reasons for leaving until recently. It was while listening to the Mancow radio show on AM 950 that I first heard of the sex scandal involving ECW writer David Lagana. It was revealed in Matthew Randazzo’s book Ring of Hell, that Lagana had repeatedly approached wrestlers with an offer to help their careers if he were allowed to perform oral sex on them. This alone, although thoroughly gross, wouldn’t have been enough to pique my attention, as sex scandals in the WWE are nothing new. What caught my ear was how the situation was resolved; after having been harassed by Lagana, ECW wrestler Kevin Fertig (aka Kevin Thorn) went to the Undertaker, who in turn blew the whistle on Lagana. Of all the wrestlers involved in this story, it seems the Undertaker alone had the clout to get something done about Lagana, as Lagana was let go from the WWE, and replaced by Dusty Rhodes.

I thought for a while that this might’ve been part of the reason why Callaway left the WWE to concentrate on his real estate ventures in Colorado, but I’ve also heard that he was originally scheduled to return to the ring as a draftee to RAW in last month’s interbrand draft special, as a trade for Umaga to Smackdown. Of course, the Draft has come and gone, and Callaway was nowhere to be seen. Word is now that he will return at Summerslam. All of this, including my own guesses regarding David Lagana, are purely speculative,

semperfried76 is the last hope for humanity.
Too bad he hates you all.

and his absence seems more likely to be the result of a recent major shoulder surgery he underwent, and his subsequent recuperation leave. Odds are he will be at Summerslam, if not, he will return probably no later than September. Rest assured, though things are dark right now, it’s doubtful we’ve seen the last of the Dead Man.

Holy hell, is this one for the books.

As anyone who read my previous post "How the WWE turned me off to all three candidates" knows, I haven’t been able to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes lately, namely, Monday Night Raw.

Tonight it just got a lot worse.

Never mind that in the past two years we not only lost Eddie Guerrero, one of the true greats of the sports entertainment world, to terminal heart failure, but also suffered the disgrace of Chris Benoit’s murder-suicide of his wife and kid (The Canadian Crippler had been one of my favorites, and just thinking about how he ended things really turns my stomach). I was OK with Ric Flair’s retirement- to tell the truth, he was well past his prime, and hadn’t had a decent, believable match in almost a decade. But the Undertaker?

(more…)

I’m sorry for being so late with this post, but this site wasn’t even truly live yet when the events described occurred, so I hope you’ll forgive me. Even if you don’t, I don’t care, what I’m about to say needs to be said, pure and simple.

A few weeks ago, John McCain, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton each made a taped speech on WWE’s Monday Night RAW. For those of you who’ve been locked up in a bamboo cage in southeast Asia for the past couple of decades, RAW is pro-wrestling’s biggest television venue, and I’ve been a loyal viewer ever since Mankind got his ass handed to him by the Undertaker in his 1999 Hell in a Cell match* (yes, I know that was on a pay-per-view, King of the Ring, I think, but it’s what got me back into wrestling) ¹

Anyways, I was watching RAW the night the candidates made their appearances, and what I saw left my jaw hanging down to the ground, and dashed any hopes I had for the future of politics in America. Some may say I’m being too serious, that it was all in fun. THE HELL WITH THAT. What the hell does fun have to do with anything in a presidential election? Pardon the fuck out of me for thinking that this is something that should be treated with the most grave and solemn of attitudes, and that someone who wishes to be the next leader of the free world should have some damn respect for the office. Nobody remembers Nixon going on Laugh-In and saying “Sock it to me?” A lot of people think that’s how he won the 1968 election, because his opponent, Hubert Humphrey, had declined making an appearance². Is that what you want? Another Nixon? Do we need another Bill Clinton, appearing on talk shows in sunglasses and playing a sax?

This is how they get you, America, by making you laugh without letting on that all they’re doing is talking down to you. The politicos think you are too damn stupid to understand or be interested in the real issues, and so instead the pander to the lowest common denominator, turning what should be the most important decision we’ll make in the next four years into nothing more than a Junior High School popularity-contest-style student council election. I, for one, refuse to vote for anyone who’s going to talk down to me, as if I were a child who knew no better, and even if it mean throwing my vote away on someone who has no hope of winning the election, I will not be voting for McCain, nor will I vote for whichever Democrat wins the primary. Fuck all three of the bastards, sez I. Say what you like about Ronald Reagan, but at least he respected and revered the office. Sure Reagan liked to crack jokes, but most of the time, he kept it subtle³, and even though he preferred not to, he was never seen in the Oval Office without a suit-jacket and tie.

Our next president should be so professional, and these three clowns should shut the fuck up.

For any one who’s interested in having their intelligence insulted, here are the links to the offending speeches, which some kind soul was gracious enough to post on YouTube.com

1. Clinton
2. Obama
3. McCain

Just a quick P.S., I’ve been unable to watch WWE’s RAW with any real interest since that night. I think it might be some sort of “Clockwork Orange” style associative aversion sort of thing, like Alex, the main character of the book and movie of the same name, had when he was exposed to his own aversion therapy while being forced to listen to his favorite Beethoven symphony. So, that’s another reason I have to dislike all three candidates. Thanks, guys, for robbing me of something I once enjoyed- I’m sure it won’t be the last time.
Wankers.